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Campioni Headed to Italy, Clams' HOF

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Press Announcements

Campioni Headed to Italy, Clams' HOF

Clam fans have gathered at the Anchor Bay Clamshell to collectively mourn the sudden departure of the only remaining member of the Semifinalist Season 18 Drunken Clam squad who first sparked the imagination of the fans back when they were still languishing in Dundee.

Campioni's devil-may-care attitude, constant inebriation and shameless womanizing have made a permanent mark on the personality of the Clams. No Clam fan will ever forget when he, Guillermo Álvarez and Panayiotis Saleas were arrested before the second game of the Championship Series in Season 19. And his spirit will live on in the way he has shaped Millard Smith's of-the-court personality. Although the young prospect is not as wild as the original, his appearances and disreputable conduct at nightlife hotspots are certainly the product of his time with Il Mollusco. But even though Campioni was at times a frustration to management and a bad influence on his fellow players, he will no doubt be missed.

Soon after the news was announced, a pile of women's undergarments spontaneously accumulated outside the main doors of the Clamshell underneath a photograph of Campioni with the caption "Viva Il Mollusco, 12/6/11-12/15/12." Security had to be called when a particularly brawny broad forced her way into the arena and began shouting "I love you, Italo! Take me with you!" She is now in custody being charged with unlawful entry.

When we caught up with Campioni for an interview in the brand new Drunken Clam Trauma Wing of St. Mary's in Anchor Bay, he was quieter and more introspective than usual. We asked him if he regretted leaving. "I will miss these guys. And I will miss all the women who adored my Italian accent, especially Mrs. Eaton. I will miss Wednesday night dollar drafts at Rosie O'Grady's with Millard. And I will miss coach Simon's ridiculous locker room talks. But I am glad to be returning home to where every corner has limoncello, gelato and espresso worth drinking. Besides, I have some children I've never met that need a drunk, mostly absent father. I should be near enough to provide them with a target for their resentment."

When asked if his recent injury had anything to do with his leaving, he smiled and replied, "Well, getting ****ing kneecapped will make your employer think twice about your long-term future with a team, won't it? But it's not the team's fault. When I get out of this ****ing hospital bed that thug Runko better sleep with one eye open!" After that he hit the button on the morphine drip and the interview was over.

Strong Wolfs management, the Italian D5 team whose jersey Campioni will now wear, made a brief statement about his acquisition, stating that they were glad to finally have a player with a salary over $5k.

Campioni was inducted into the Drunken Clams' Hall of Fame in a small ceremony at the beginning of tonight's home game against Litning. His #7 jersey was hoisted into the rafters, and the team played the game in his honor. And honor him they did, setting a franchise single game scoring record in a 160-114 victory while putting up two double-doubles (Arvaras and Choquet) and a triple double (Smith).

Campioni holds the following franchise records for regular season play:
– Single Game Points Scored (49) (and all top 5)
– All-time Points Scored (1743)
– All-time 3P Made (156)
– All-time Free Throws Made (207)
– All-time Assists (359)

Last edited by rhyminsimon at 12/15/2012 9:49:24 PM
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