Mount Etna - Weeks into a new season in Division III, word is coming out of the Sons of Vulcan organization about about the grisly details of the team’s activities during its Season 24 championship run. Like the New York Mets of the 1980s and their illegal drug use, rumors originating from players that have been released by the Sons of Vulcan are running rampant about the team’s illicit behavior during Season 24.
According to longtime Sons power forward, Floyd Morales, the allegations reached all the way up to the front office. “Once they signed Letourneau, the whole mood in the locker changed. It was like we were invaded by an occupying power and there was nothing we could do. He started bringing Canadian Bacon for lunch; do you know how much that stuff reeks when it’s reheated in the microwave?”
Morales’ sentiments were echoed by former Sons guard, Nelson Calloway, “Letourneau was one thing, I could handle one Canadian, so could most of the other guys. For me, they crossed the line when they signed the Big Wapper [center Brian Waplington]. One Canadian I can take, but two? How can a team ever recover from that?”
Players were also not happy with their fellow teammates when they started getting on the Canadian culture bandwagon. Morales continued by describing the horrific activities of some of his American teammates. “Troy Paul, I feel bad for him, he was young and impressionable at the time, a young draft pick trying to fit in. He needed a quick wake up on the plane one time and Letourneau gave him a Tim Hortons doughnut and coffee; next thing you know, Paul is having cases of the stuff delivered from Canada each month - disgusting! Jose [Blank, current Sons starting point guard], he’d carry a briefcase on road trips. Most of us, like normal Americans, carry some paperwork, a laptop, maybe some cheese and crackers in our briefcase. Jose? He’d open that thing up and he’d have bottles of maple syrup and chug the stuff straight. As far as I’m concerned, federal agents should have been waiting on the tarmac for him and arrested him on sight for that kind of behavior.”
When contacted via phone for an interview, Polish power forward for the Sons during Season 24, Maciej Blachnicki, had another gory horror story. “A few of us went out to a local restaurant to celebrate after a big win over the Dragonmasters. Troy was there. He asked the waiter if they served poutines. When the waiter looked questioningly at Troy, mainly because no red-blooded American knows what a poutine is, Troy actually ordered a large order of french fries, a separate order of cheese curds, and a side bowl of gravy, then he mixed them all together to make his own poutine. Yeah! You heard me right. I can’t believe his stomach didn’t implode.”
According to Morales, the last straw for him was after the Season 24 championship celebration after defeating the Hattori Hustlers in the finals. “The whole organization was out celebrating late that night. It had to be two, three in the morning, when we all noticed Jose wasn’t there. All of sudden, a set of double doors is smashed down. Jose comes striding in wearing a mountie suit and riding a moose! Perhaps the most disturbing thing about that story, where the heck do you find a moose and a mountie suit at two in the morning unless you already know a guy that has one at his disposal? Sad. I had really liked Jose up until that unfortunate season.”
When a friend of the owner was questioned about the team’s immoral behavior, Ozone [Tucumcari Whalers owner] had this to say, “I warned him this would happen the second he started signing Canadians. I warned him that exactly this would happen. It’s a slippery slope when you start signing those Canucks. Sure, you may win a championship, bu