How To Improve Your 28yo SG
You Will Need:
30 gallons of buttermilk
50lbs all-purpose flour
2lbs garlic powder
1lb kosher salt
1lb black pepper
1lb paprika
30 gallons peanut oil
A large candy thermometer
flame-retardant suit
2-4 Class B fire extinguishers
A 50-gallon drum
shovel
charcoal or wood for fire-making
The Process:
First, thoroughly clean your 50-gallon drum, so that no trace of used motor oil, garbage, or nuclear waste remains, as that will affect the flavor of your SG. Once the drum is clean, place your SG inside and cover him completely with buttermilk, ensuring that the entire SG is coated. Refrigerate overnight, at least 8-12 hours or so. (Note: you may not need all of the buttermilk, but keep track of how much you do use, as you will need this figure later.)
While you wait, mix the flour, salt, paprika and black pepper until everything's evenly mixed throughout; wrap with plastic wrap and set aside.
Using the shovel, next dig a circular trench around your fire location. The trench doesn't have to be very deep, you're just removing combustible land here, but it should probably be about 3-4 feet wide to stay on the safe side. Once that's done, you should be ready for a nice nap, which isn't too bad of an idea, if you think about it.
The next morning, you will need to work quickly, so now is as good a time as any to invite friends over (tell them to bring potato salad or deviled eggs and beer or something), you'll need help if you want this to work out right. Once friends arrive, put everyone to work. First get your flour mixture from earlier and remove any wrapping. Next, drain the buttermilk from your 50-gallon drum, but do NOT drain the buttermilk into your trench (that would be stupid). Immediately place the moist SG in the flour mixture, rolling to coat all sides.
Quickly clean and dry the 50-gallon drum, and then set it on your fire pit and start a fire/get coals burning. While the fire/coals are heating up, fill the drum with peanut oil of the exact quantity to the buttermilk you used the previous day. This will protect you from over-filling and the possibility of a grease fire. Since you probably forgot to record that amount, go ahead and put on your flame-retardant clothing, cause it's gonna be a long day.
Once the temperature of the peanut oil has reached about 250 F, slowly lower your floured SG into the oil; carefully to avoid splashing any hot oil on yourself or your fire pit (you should have those Class B extinguishers handy by now). Fry in the oil for about 15-20 minutes (25-30 if you like your SG extra crispy), being certain to put out any fires in your trench that may occur. Remove from oil, drain.
You now should have a SG with crispy, delicious skin that melts in your mouth and falls right off the bone, which is an excellent complement for potato salad or green bean casserole. That's quite an improvement, wouldn't you say?